Neko

WARNING 18+

IF YOU CONTINUE TO READ ANYTHING BELOW YOU ARE AGREEING YOU ARE 18+ dont get too excited theres nothing super spicy its just im an adult so you may see me cuss, discuss topics surronding mental health, and other boring adult stuff

or maybe not and this warning was for nothing who knows?
k tnx < 3

5/11/26

well today was super duper boring. i tried a new allergy med chlorpheniramine maleate (yes i had to copy and paste that) because they say there is some research suggesting it acts as a mild ssri and since im depressed anyway i figured why not. well guess its hard to be depressed and anxious when you are knocked out cold. seriously i could barely stay awake on this stuff. i think ill just take one at night and continue taking my allegra. they do have an extended release that seems like it would be good to take before bed but its online only. work was incredibly boring which i guess is better than being stressful as heck. i pretty much did nothing all day. .-. well i guess there is always tommorow to be more productive.

5/10/26

well this is my first ever blog/journal post. i remember many years ago in therapy being told i should keep a journal but it always seemed kind of lame to me. well it still feels kind of lame to be but here we are .-. today is saturday, its also mothers day. my moms favorite food is chinese food so i brought us chinese food for lunch. if youre reading this and youre not from america our "chinese" food is pretty unique and its totally not real "chinese" food but its good. it blew my mind the first time i saw a video about how "chinese" food changes depending on where you are in the world and how it can be completly diffrent. oh by the way if youre reading this and there is a ton of spelling errors thats because im typing directly into the html editor without spell check. idk using spell check on something like this kind of feels like it would be cheating or inauthentic? when we were talking about getting it i asked my dad if he was going to buy it for her and his response was "she isnt my mom shes yours" which is kind of crazy. like yeah shes my mom but thats only because of you she pushed your kids out of her didnt she? theres a lot of things that they say to each other that are hurtful to each other and its just sad. thats not how people should treat each other. a lot of it rubbed off on me too and its hard because im trying to break the cycle but when you are still hearing it daily... i ended up just using affirm which i didnt really want to do because i already spent like 3,000 on it but i wasnt not going to get her the only food she wanted for mothers day. honestly this house brings me down alot. everyone is toxic. everyone is mean to each other. i feel like that probally had an impact on my marriage as well since my wife used to live with us. i mean its sort of my fault right? im 29 i should have moved out by now... maybe if i had applied myself more at work i would have moved further up. my biggest regret is dropping out of school. just think of all the job oppertunites i could have had if i actually graduated? i mean my job would be great if i was in my early 20s still. $20 an hour, health insurance, and a few other benifits i wont mention but they really help out. it just sucks everything is so expensive. i have enough money to live confortable as is but if i had my own place theres no way i could do it. rent is like over half of what i make a month so i would be screwed. my whole life my entire dream and goal was to just get married, have a wife, have some kids, get a house, and have a family. the older i get the more and more it seems like something that once seemed so simple is completly impossible. im going to turn 30 this year and i still feel just as trapped and helpless as i did when i was a teenager. am i going to feel like this forver? anyway tommorow is monday and i have sort of a love hate relationship with my job. on the one hand it gets me out of this depressing dump but on the other hand its depressing in its own way. theres a lot of stress i deal with at work and pretty much all of my coworkers are either older than me or they dont have english as their first language so its kind of hard to make friends at work. i do have coworkers that i love talking to and hanging out with but they arent really the kinds of people id want to hangout with outside of work or talk to. man for my first blog entry this is such a downer. hopefully now that ive gotten some of this off my chest my next entries wont be so bad? we will see. oh and if anyone actually wasted their time reading this, thank you < 3

5/12

will update 5/12