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WARNING 18+ IF YOU CONTINUE TO READ ANYTHING BELOW YOU ARE AGREEING YOU ARE 18+
dont get too excited theres nothing super spicy its just im an adult so you may see me cuss, discuss topics surronding mental health, and other boring adult stuff
or maybe not and this warning was for nothing who knows?
k tnx < 3
6/6/26 jeez it's been awhile since I updated this. I haven't even got on my pc since the last post. My check was fixed, I got all my missing hours, plus my raise, so that was amazing. Some random crackhead showed up to my work last week. I can't remember what day it was but someone said oh someone is in the building and he isn't supposed to be here. Me and another coworker went to check it out and didn't see him so we stopped to look at something else and he walks up and blocks the doorway two of my coworkers were inside the room and this dude is mumbling where it's impossible to understand him. Apparently he walked in with a gun and took his shirt off and left the gun with it and because he was so high he forgot where he left it, that's why he was wondering around the building. Apparently he swung at someone at one point. The cops eneded up arresting him so that was crazy. Then I took my cowoker who is always giving me the candles out to lunch one day and brought us both some new boots, he needed them and we always are helping each other out when we can so I was glad to do that. That was all last week, this week has been pretty slow. Me and my wife went out to dinner a few times, we have been seperated for awhile now. I don't know... Things are just hard, I know I love her, and I know she loves me... We just don't treat each other right sometimes... It was like 4 months we were seprated then we were together for another month only for us to seprate again... I don't know... Part of me wants to move on and the other part of me doesn't... I just don't want us to end up like my parents miserable and unhappy... I've been listening to alot of youtube videos and reading up about a guy name Carl Jung who was a sychotherapist, I think it's been helping me to try and see things from a diffrent point of view. Well, I think thats about it for now! bye!
5/25/26 well last week was okay. the week before last they messed up my check and shorted me a bunch of hours so now im kind of broke. supposedly they are adding it to my next check coming this week so we will see. i ended up working friday because i figued i need the money anyway lol. work was pretty busy but not overly stressful which was good. this weekend was pretty lousy though. i literally didnt leave the bed for 3 days. normally i would love to have a three day weekend but with nothing to do and no one to talk to that just kind of sucks. i had some weed for the first time in a few years so that was pretty nice. i quit because i had a couple of bad times on it but that was honestly more user error than anything and this weekend when i took them was super great. the ones i got this time are called avexia and its basically just a pill that you swallow. that was my first time with anything edible as in the past i always had vapes or flower. i was always scared because people told me edibles are stonger but these are microdoses 2.5 mg so they are actually really mild. for awhile i was taking some pride in not doing anything (its not like i had a habit or anything i only did it like max once every few weeks) but still idk i was proud to not be on it but honestly sometimes it just helps me. i think i have sort of a weird relationship with it mentally like idk. theres something about doing it or seeing people do it that makes me feel dirty about it. i think its because you see so many people sort of abuse it you know? like ive seen people who do it daily and they actually seem to function better on it than they do off of it like in a way for them its essentially medicine. then theres other people who do it daily and they act stupid as heck because of it. like it seems like its frying the small amount of braincells they have left and you wonder how much better of a person they could be if they just stopped trying to escape from their problems. i guess im scared that i would become one of the people who end up abusing it. i want to have a healthy realationship with it and treat it as medicine not as an escape from my problems. oh i finally figured out what camera im getting its the kodak charmera. i wanted something lofi for sure but i really like the way the pictures look coming from that camera. a lot of the more modern cheap digi cams have a certian feel to them that doenst really seem nostaligic in the same way that one does. im really looking forward to getting back out their and taking some pictures.
5/18/26 today was awesome but the weekend was kind of meh. saturday i went to work and did a little bit of shopping. i wanted to take a trip some place cool but honestly i didnt have the money and it would have been boring to do all that driving by myself. sunday i worked on my brothers car for like half the day and then did a little bit of grocery shopping. today was great though. i didnt have really anything to do at work so i got to chill and then my one co worker his wife works at a candle factory, thats the one who gave me the car air freshner, so i got like $100 woth of candles for free. right now ive got the lavender one burning and i love laveder so my room smells amazing. this week is going to probally be slow at work so it should be a pretty chill week. im hoping to have off friday so i can have a 4 day weekend since we already have off monday but we will see how it goes.
5/15/26 man this week has been awesome. my work was super slow so i got to take it chill with no one really bothering me, but i still had enough little bits and bobs to do to keep me busy. im supposed to be getting a raise soon which is awesome because i really need one. i went out to lunch with my one coworker today at the chinese buffet and man the food was great, i ate too much as usual but it was worth it. then my other coworker gave me this pumpkin spice scented car air freshner that his wife got from her work and i love it. i was born in november and my favorite holiday is halloween so i love anything fall themed. its weird because im so used to everything being crappy that i dont really know how to feel when things are good. i also have a bad habit of dwelling on every little negative thing that happens in my life and i need to change that. depression sucks but when things are good they are great lol. oh i got new glasses but i think they are a little off. i ordered them online so they were really cheap, i tweaked the pd and ordered another pair so we will see how that goes. sometimes ill order like 2 or 3 until i find one i really like and keep the rest just incase of an emergency. it might take a few tries but i know ill get a pair i really like and its still cheaper than buying them from the eye doctor. ive got to work tomorrow but its easy work so thats fine. plus with the holiday coming up the weekend after this one coming up ill get at least a 3 day weekend. ps: i forgot to add that i really want to get back into photography. i really hate modern cameras though so i gotta figure out what im going to get. im thinking about getting the original lytro camera. i wanted that damn camera so bad when it first came out but it was insanely expensive. i was like 16 or 17 so getting a $400 camera was out of the question especially when the point and shoot i got for my birthday at the time was like $150. now im seeing them all over ebay for like $50 which is nothing now. i do have a bad habit of buying cameras and never using them though...
5/11/26 well today was super duper boring. i tried a new allergy med chlorpheniramine maleate (yes i had to copy and paste that) because they say there is some research suggesting it acts as a mild ssri and since im depressed anyway i figured why not. well guess its hard to be depressed and anxious when you are knocked out cold. seriously i could barely stay awake on this stuff. i think ill just take one at night and continue taking my allegra. they do have an extended release that seems like it would be good to take before bed but its online only. work was incredibly boring which i guess is better than being stressful as heck. i pretty much did nothing all day. .-. well i guess there is always tomorrow to be more productive.
5/10/26 well this is my first ever blog/journal post. i remember many years ago in therapy being told i should keep a journal but it always seemed kind of lame to me. well it still feels kind of lame to be but here we are .-. today is saturday, its also mothers day. my moms favorite food is chinese food so i brought us chinese food for lunch. if youre reading this and youre not from america our "chinese" food is pretty unique and its totally not real "chinese" food but its good. it blew my mind the first time i saw a video about how "chinese" food changes depending on where you are in the world and how it can be completly diffrent. oh by the way if youre reading this and there is a ton of spelling errors thats because im typing directly into the html editor without spell check. idk using spell check on something like this kind of feels like it would be cheating or inauthentic? when we were talking about getting it i asked my dad if he was going to buy it for her and his response was "she isnt my mom shes yours" which is kind of crazy. like yeah shes my mom but thats only because of you she pushed your kids out of her didnt she? theres a lot of things that they say to each other that are hurtful to each other and its just sad. thats not how people should treat each other. a lot of it rubbed off on me too and its hard because im trying to break the cycle but when you are still hearing it daily... i ended up just using affirm which i didnt really want to do because i already spent like 3,000 on it but i wasnt not going to get her the only food she wanted for mothers day. honestly this house brings me down alot. everyone is toxic. everyone is mean to each other. i feel like that probally had an impact on my marriage as well since my wife used to live with us. i mean its sort of my fault right? im 29 i should have moved out by now... maybe if i had applied myself more at work i would have moved further up. my biggest regret is dropping out of school. just think of all the job oppertunites i could have had if i actually graduated? i mean my job would be great if i was in my early 20s still. $20 an hour, health insurance, and a few other benifits i wont mention but they really help out. it just sucks everything is so expensive. i have enough money to live confortable as is but if i had my own place theres no way i could do it. rent is like over half of what i make a month so i would be screwed. my whole life my entire dream and goal was to just get married, have a wife, have some kids, get a house, and have a family. the older i get the more and more it seems like something that once seemed so simple is completly impossible. im going to turn 30 this year and i still feel just as trapped and helpless as i did when i was a teenager. am i going to feel like this forver? anyway tommorow is monday and i have sort of a love hate relationship with my job. on the one hand it gets me out of this depressing dump but on the other hand its depressing in its own way. theres a lot of stress i deal with at work and pretty much all of my coworkers are either older than me or they dont have english as their first language so its kind of hard to make friends at work. i do have coworkers that i love talking to and hanging out with but they arent really the kinds of people id want to hangout with outside of work or talk to. man for my first blog entry this is such a downer. hopefully now that ive gotten some of this off my chest my next entries wont be so bad? we will see. oh and if anyone actually wasted their time reading this, thank you < 3